You Might Just Be a Pakled…

You know you’re a Pakled if:

  • The Borg steadfastly refuse to assimilate you.
  • You speak Federation subStandard.
  • Your hard-fought battle for racial equality comes to a bitter end when you realize all Pakleds are the same race.
  • Q routinely plays horrible practical jokes on your planet, but no one ever notices.
  • You trade your dilithium crystals for new Folger’s crystals.
  • Your distress beacon transmits “help! help! I’m being oppressed!”.
  • A holographic representation of your personality fits comfortably on a 3.5″ floppy disk.
  • Your Prime Directive forbids you from interfering with less advanced species… but no one’s found one yet.
  • Starfleet Command orders you to observe a nearby anomaly; you transmit the results, and only then remember that you’re not part of Starfleet.
  • The “stun” setting on your phaser is simply a recording that says “look behind you!”
  • Your mission to conquer a planet by destroying all indigenous life fails because there was no indigenous life.
  • Your mission to conquer a planet by destroying all indigenous life fails because none of your crew knows what “indigenous” means.
  • You think “Klingon” is what staticky clothes do.
  • You test the communications range on your new runabout by moving away at impulse power and repeatedly asking Orbital Control “can you hear me now?”.
  • You’re swindled by a Vulcan.
  • You travel to the center of the galaxy, only to have the powerful being trapped there insist that he can wait for the next ride.
  • Your ships are numbered PAK-1,PAK-2,PAK-‘NOTHER,PAK-‘NOTHER,PAK-‘NOTHER…
  • You wonder what frequencies to open when it’s raining or snowing.
  • Your best friend’s sister takes your pickup truck and your dog and… oh, wait, wrong list.
  • You worship aliens whose ability to prophecize extends solely to predicting what time the sun will rise tomorrow.
  • You’ve replaced the complex “x mark y” navigational system with the far more lucid: “ooh, head for the pretty red one.”
  • You’re still not convinced there’s life on other planets.
  • You attempt to free a group of people whose physical and mental growth has been stunted by carefully pitched harmonic vibrations… only to realize you’re a Britney Spears’ concert.
  • You believe there is a great universal power that can somehow be accessed by talking to a small green wrinkly creature who lives in a swamp and talks backwards.
  • When being tested by powerful enigmatic alien races, you’re automatically given a 10-point handicap.
  • At Federation diplomatic functions, you have to sit at the “kiddie” table.
  • Your story of Creation starts with “one day, mommy and daddy got really drunk…”
  • Your Ambassador’s assistant is called the Ambassakey.
  • You travel back in time to impress less advanced races, only to return with a toaster oven and a dehydrator.
  • Despite multiple attempts, your “Pakled Butt Pinch” has yet to incapacitate anyone in battle.
  • Your “I’m with Stupid” tshirt has an arrow pointing up.
  • Your captain is possessed by an alien being, but no one does anything on the off chance that the alien is a smarter.
  • You try to figure out why water isn’t coming out of your sonic shower.
  • You set a new record in the Kobayashi Maru simulation, managing to destroy the ship even before hearing the initial distress call.
  • You attack sensor ghosts of your own ship… and lose.
  • You’re only slightly more intelligent than most Klingons.
  • You keep wondering how long this latest episode of Quantum Leap is going to last.
  • Your new cloaking technology consists of broadcasting the message: “2, 3, 4, 5– close your eyes for a big surprise!”
  • Ferengi children offer you a “slip of latinum for your thoughts” just to see the befuddled look on your face.
  • Playboy never had much success on your planet because no one can figure out where the naughty bits are.
  • You continually debate who would win a fight between Sisko and Kirk, even though the two captains are both “dead”, and have never shown the slightest hostility towards each other.
  • “Your mama is so ugly” is considered a complete joke on your planet.
  • Every other week, you’re asked to explore a dangerous anomaly that has already destroyed dozens of ships because “you’re the only ship in the area”, and you expect to succeed with only minimal personnel losses.
  • You search in vain for a “transport-him” room.
  • Your “willing suspension of disbelief” extends to accepting that a beautiful woman would have difficulty choosing between a sexy soap opera star and a nerdy paleontologist.
  • You wonder how many snide contemporary references you can cram into a given list.
  • James Kirk finds the women on your planet to be “too dumb” for his tastes.
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2 Responses to You Might Just Be a Pakled…

  1. Jaxin says:

    “You continually debate who would win a fight between Sisko and Kirk, even though the two captains have never met”

    Come across this post randomly going through google… just had to point out, the two have met, DS9 episode, season 5, episode 6, “Trials and Tribble-ations”

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